I got some sun yesterday and it made me feel great. For the day. The remnants of that manifest in a sunburn that makes me smile that I broke the "rules." But even with that small little bit of rebellion I still feel crazy today. I can't keep a straight thought or remember what I was thinking just a minute ago. Quarantine does things to your mind, heart and soul. Here we go with a blog post that may not make sense. But it is how I am feeling. At least for today. I feel like what I feel changes one day to the next. I am sorry if it feels like rambling or doesn't flow nicely. My thoughts are not flowing nicely right now.
I feel like I am loosing who I am. I can't shake the feeling that I am forgetting something. Or something terrible is looming just a minute away. The rational part of me knows that isn't the case. Or is it? I mean with all the news reports and politician speeches and press conferences, it is no wonder I feel like I am loosing my mind. Who do we believe? How do we really know what the right thing to do is? Its a guess. We have to choose who is telling us what we need to know....but how do we know we are choosing correctly? So many are getting their information from Facebook. It is sad. But really, the news is sad too because the media uses scare tactics. There just isn't a safe place to get the information we need. And when we watch a tv show, we are inundated with commercials reminding us...there isn't a break.
Politicians and extremists have made this into a party issue. Which quite frankly makes me sick. People's health and well-being is not a party issue. It is gross that it is what it has come too. Are they really analyzing data and make informed decisions? Maybe some are. But big picture... it is what decisions can they make to get votes. And the sheep will follow. Interestingly enough though, both sides think the other side are the sheep. I think we all are. We choose a side and follow. But enough about the politics of it.
I am tired of being confined. But at the very same time, I am terrified to go back to work. I am terrified of what that will mean. Honestly, I am not ready. I do not want to do it. I do not know how I will make that leap. I will be making a choice between keeping my family safe and doing the job I am paid to do. I KNOW, essential workers are making that decision everyday. I am eternally grateful to them. But that doesn't diminish my fear. It doesn't negate my feelings. And I am allowed to feel and express how I feel. I am tired of being told I should just be grateful that I get to stay home and that I should just do it because it is my part in this. I have that gratitude. I really do. But I still feel confined, robbed, sad, anxious and a little crazy. And If I want to break the "rules" that is my business.
I would never break rules that would put the general public in danger. But I do think there are some extremes that we can find a way around. I will see my family and do it from a safe distance. I will let my daughter see her dad and her sister. I will not let my free will to make my own decisions be taken away. I have always been one not to take no for an answer and I always push the envelope. So, until I get a clear explanation on why the "rules" are so wishy washy, I am going to find the loop hole and do what is best for me and mine. I will wear the mask in public. I will keep my distance in the store and go the right direction down the isles. But, I will also find ways to safely see my people. Separation is what is driving us all crazy...at least in my house. So we find ways to make it work.
Is anyone else having sleep pattern issues?? Holy crap! I have gone almost 40 hours once without sleep. Then other days all I want to do is sleep. I have tried reading a book. I can not concentrate on it. The TV...good lord, I think I have watched everything. I have moved into watching some really dark things. I am tired of games on my phone. Social media...I wish I could stay away. But it another link to people outside my tribe. My hubby tried to get me to walk with him. I wish I would. But my motivation is...well...non-existent. Motivation. THAT...that is what I need.
Essential workers...I see you. I feel for you. I have the utmost respect and gratitude for your choice you make everyday. My hubby, brother, sister, brother-in-law, and so many more in my family are essential workers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know it can not be easy.
The rest of all of you, feel some sympathy for my hubby and kids. They are dealing with me day in and day out. Never knowing which me they will get. This middle-aged mom officially has the Quarantine Crazies.